Saturday, March 26, 2011
When I say I’ve been saving my world don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that this delusional young girl has once again drifted away into the seas of depression (although I wouldn’t blame you). Actually I’ve made some major life changes. I’m sure many of you can relate to me when I say this so please do read on and join me on not my, but our journey of ...dun dun dun dun “growing up.”
We plan. We organize. We prepare. We spend years in school, hours studying, decades working and a lifetime getting ready. For what? That’s a really good question. Have you ever asked yourself for what? I study for a test. I go to school for a degree. I get a degree for a job. I work for money. I need money in life. Yes, very good logic Lilly. A+
A+ for caving into the systematic ways of modern life. Everyone tells me that I need to prepare for life. Do you want to be poor? Jobless? What will you do in life? Errrr....wait, aren’t I already living life? You probably think I sound like Charlie Sheen right now because I sound highly irrational and well, like a cracked out rock star from Mars. But no, that’s not it. I do have a problem though. I have many actually. I have a problem with accepting things as they come. I have a problem with a 9-5 job. I have a problem doing the same repetitive thing over and over again. I have a problem with the fact that society thinks they can map out a life for me and I either follow it or be shunned by all. Pft, what’s so great about society anyways?
I almost shudder at myself in the mirror because I used to be one of them. Them. You know, those people who have to discover the purpose of life, the meaning behind things, the deeper understanding. An annoying little psychologist who had to analyze situations, decipher people, discover what it meant to be alive. Chewing on the back of a pencil I’d question...why do we live? 4 months later I’m chomping on a Mars bar and instead...I’m just living.
Rule # 7: The purpose of life is whatever you make it. Make it good.
The purpose of life is to dance. The purpose of life is to make music. The purpose of life is to write. Yes? No? Actually it doesn’t really matter because you can’t prove me wrong. If you tell me the purpose of life is to collect rocks...well then I’ll be damned. I’ll toss you a few pebbles and continue writing my blog. No one has the answers. Everyone has their theories about life, heaven, hell, after-life, evolution and creation but you know what...instead of trying to figure out life, I’d rather just live it. Life is beautiful like that. Every day is a blank canvas waiting to be drawn on. Using determination, dreams, passion, values and a splash of morals I paint a beautiful picture. Some days I run out of determination and my picture isn’t as pretty but that’s okay because tomorrow I’ll just mix up some new determination and start on a new canvas. Oh I sound so dreamy don’t I? Let’s balance things out...let me contrast my optimistic, fantasy like description of life with some ugly, cold, hard facts.
I don’t have a job. I’m taking a break from school. Paparazzi...wait for it. I’m single.
Haha. I actually thought all 3 of those facts were depressing until I just typed them up. It sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Before you label Superwoman as a failure in life, let me equip those facts with some icing. I have a degree in Psychology as I’ve completed my undergrad. I am going to apply to complete my Masters next year. I am also working on applying for jobs. Being single...hmmm...there’s no icing there...there’s not even spice cake....just boring old vanilla sponge cake that’s a bit stale. But you know what I can’t be blamed for the fact that Superman is fictional so we’ll just ignore that last one. =)
Now you may ask why I choose to mention all the above and bore you with my ridiculous life facts. It was to show you that by me saying I create my own purpose of life, it doesn’t mean I’m saying to forget school, not work and just make YouTube videos all my life. It’s to show you that these things are included in my daily painting. We all live day to day, rushing through life, buzzing through traffic, running to catch the bus, cramming for a test and zipping through experiences because life requires us to do so. Or so we say. But have you ever stopped to think “what do I want to do in life?” It’s crucial you notice that I didn’t say “what do you want to BE?” I don’t believe in this question. Why do I have to be one thing? Instead I ask, “what do I want to DO?” This question is a lot less heavy on the soul and mind. If you’ve never asked yourself this question, I suggest you do. Now at this point you need to realize that dropping out of school, punching your rude and obnoxious professor in the eye and ramming the bumper of the person in front of you may all be things you want to do. Don’t go crazy with it. Seriously, in life, what do you want to do? Discover the answer to that.
I want to make YouTube videos. I want to make people laugh. I want to make music. I want to dance. I want to be successful. I want a good job that I enjoy. I want to complete my masters. I want to help others. I want respect. I want to enjoy every day of my blessed life. These are my purposes. They might change, but right now, these goals and ambitions make up the middle of my drawing. The question is, are my determination, values, morals and passion strong enough to complete the picture? In my head, that’s all up to me. There is no obstacle in life bigger than the obstacles within us. Go wild, create your own reality and dare them to stop you.
You don’t have to grow up like a statue...so structured that your life has no flexibility. Grow up like an artist and paint what’s ahead of you. And don’t spend too much time preparing the paints either...just pick up the brush already.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Oddly I am a Libra yet I used to know nothing about the art of balance. On one scale, the heavier side that used to weigh down my very existence, I’d have my friends and socializing. On the other end I’d have my family, school and any other aspects of life I didn’t want to deal with. For years nothing was wrong with this picture as it satisfied everything a teenage girl wanted: friends, an awesome team and having a great time. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved my family and succeeding in school has never really been a problem for me however my scale was heavily imbalanced. Now you may assume that my next words will be something along the lines of “now my family is my priority and friends aren’t as important,” but that’s not the case at all. In fact most of us look at our scales in the wrong way. We constantly juggle our priorities, shifting weight back and forth between different pieces in our game of life. No matter how much I would shift around my priorities, the feeling of complete contentment would never come to me and I have now discovered why. Most of us forget the most important aspect of our autobiographies and our scales and that is the very author who makes them such. I searched far and wide for Lilly on my balance beam but she was nowhere to be found. Certain elements of her could be detected as she was the captain of NTP, she was the friend of her own friends, she was the daughter of her mother, etc. But as a whole, Lilly did not exist in my set of priorities. I feel out of everything this self-claimed superhero has to offer this may be the most important rule of happiness I will ever suggest.
Rule of Happiness # 6: If life feels imbalanced and your world is tipping over, put your own weight in the center of the scale.
You are the most powerful person in your life. You ultimately decide how your day will go, you decide what to make of
life, you decide how to act, react and behave and you decide which pathways to take in the walk of life. Now you may argue saying you cannot control the jerks, bumps and cliffs in a bad day however I will rebuttal by saying yes you can. A jerk is only a jerk if you let them be one. A cliff is only a cliff if you decide to jump off of it. This lesson has come to me alongside great anguish and pain. I used to be that person who would go through a day pointing fingers at every person who hurt me and who would curse at my terrible fate. Then I realized something: in life we don’t have control over anything or anyone. I cannot control the person who breaks my heart, I cannot control liars nor can I control the morals and values of those who surround me. However I do control the most important aspect of my very existence and that is me. I control myself and you know what, with that, in essence I control EVERYTHING.
In one of my previous rules I mentioned the battle between the mind and the heart. I have discovered that when you acknowledge that you are the most important and powerful person in your life the battle eases a little bit. For some reason I am actually now able to reason with my emotions. It is almost as if because I have put importance in myself I have become friends with myself in a sense. As corny as it sounds you may even say I am my own best friend. As a result I am able to talk to myself as a friend and say “Lilly, now we have two options. We could get mad at this and be upset and cry and shout and scream. But wait, ultimately it’s your decision if you want to do that. Let’s try to see it from the other person’s point of view first. If that doesn’t work then how about we don’t give this person more power than ourselves and maybe cut Lilly some slack? Yeah, that sounds good. If anything I’ll laugh about it myself when no one’s watching.”
This actually applies to a lot of issues. Take your life right now...seriously, and analyze it. I guarantee you that a lot of issues in your life right now stem from one mistake: giving other people more power over you than yourself. He didn’t say what you wanted him to say and now you’re hurt. Well why couldn’t you just tell yourself that and believe it with all your heart? Your family wasn’t proud of your good test mark. Why is their praise more important than your own? Buy yourself a cupcake. Someone upset you because they said a few ignorant words to you. Why are their words tougher than your shield? Your life is falling apart. How can it when it stares back at you in the mirror?
I’m not saying issues in life are an easy right off however I am suggesting that a lot of us ignore our own importance, value and power. It shows every time we go to other people for reassurance or every time we doubt ourselves. It is no secret that I was depressed recently in my life, I feel I’ve openly accepted that now. I am very fortunate to be here writing this blog in my room as I could have easily walked the other direction and been a statistic by now. If I can touch the heart of even one person through this blog I would be content. Many have watched me transition from a depressed pessimist who hated waking up into a person of strength, optimism and hope. I can honestly say that I was only able to do so when I told myself to. This is when I realized that I am the most powerful person in my life. I have also made a decision to never go back to that place and no matter how many people try to shove me back there, no matter how many issues force me into relapse...I will not go because I am stronger than everything else. However in your life there is something stronger than me...and that’s you.
I’ve made a little diagram of my life. Note how the aspects of my life haven’t changed. The only thing that has changed is the structure.
Happy Living to you all.
At the end of the game the queen and the pawn go back into the same box. So while it's playtime...be a queen.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Hey! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I had thought that my neglect for this blog would be a collective one and that alongside myself the rest of the world would just leave these entries to be forgotten. Fail. A few days ago my mom had told me that she’d read my blog and that she found it quite depressing. Instantly two thoughts went through my mind: 1) how does my mom know how to reach my blog on a computer she barely knows how to turn on, and 2) she must think I’m some sort of disturbed child from the underworld. The latter thought actually sent a bolt of panic through me because I realized that if I am concerned my own mother would think in such a way then chances are the rest of the blog-reading world would as well. Therefore this entry is basically my explanation, not that it’s exactly necessary to give one, but just for my own peace of mind as to why my blog entries may resemble the words of someone with serious problems.
When I started my blog and for a while after I was experiencing what I like to call “emotional gravity.” In other words, I was emotionally and mentally falling down and due to this pressure I was not able to lift my spirits. Some call it depression, others call it “she’s such a jerk,” but whatever the title may be it hit me hard. For about half a year I was Lilly Version 0.5. I say 0.5 because for these few months I was less than I have ever been before. Anyone who knows me knows that when I call myself Superwoman it’s not because I own the graphic tee but it’s because I allow very few things in life to knock me down. No amount of heart-to-hearts with friends, bowls of ice cream, Bhangra performances or prayer could save me from the way I was feeling. I begged for that Reese Blizzard from DQ to save me at least for the day, but it wouldn’t…and it cost me $3.99. Nothing worked so I decided to convince myself that there was a way to be happy and that was through this blog. Writing makes me happy but on top of that if I could convince you that happiness existed, I could brainwash myself into thinking the same thing. I’m sure at this point you are wondering what on earth made me feel this way in the first place and the answer to that I can honestly say now doesn’t matter. The cause of the pain doesn’t matter…all that matters are the lessons learned from the pain.
I hated the world; clearly, as I wrote my blogs with the intention of them being a very sharp knife that would rip through your every belief. I was bitter, and I continued to be until recently. Something happened. For the first time in my life I felt like I had opened the eyes that had been shut for a life-time. One morning I woke up and was a different person. It’s as if overnight in my dreams I decided that this wasn’t going to be my life anymore. I woke up with a new mentality, a new outlook on life and a smile on my face that would take a hurricane or world war to wipe off. Because ladies and gentlemen the truth of the matter is in life we are too busy being upset with people, being upset at situations and hating what we have to actually appreciate everything we do have. And when I look back at my blogs not only do I sense a bitter person but I sense someone who never knew how to look at the glass half full. Well that person is gone now. Because not only is my glass half full but I’m Desi…so it’s a half full steel glass that is not going to break no matter how many times you knock it over.
I do not apologize for my past posts nor do I feel bad about them. Don’t let your past define who you are, let it be a part of who you become. And now more than ever I feel I can serve the true purpose of this blog that I started long ago. Now, after going up and down the behemoth for months I can truly tell you the rules to happiness…because trust me, happiness is here…and it’s here to stay.
In conclusion, Superwoman is back and better than ever. In fact, she is SO BACK that she is in the works of turning her rules of happiness into a book. And this time when I say happiness I do not mean a twisted deranged negative attitude disguised as a rule of happiness. This time I mean that no matter what you are going through, life is beautiful…and I now feel that I have the qualifications to provide you with the glasses to see it as such.
I look forward to rocking your world,
The world can’t even handle me right now…so the club doesn’t stand a chance.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Rule of Happiness # 5: To live responsibly doesn’t simply mean to pick up after yourself, to be held accountable for your actions or to contribute to other people or another bigger cause. A big part of living responsibly is to be responsible for yourself, your own happiness, your own well-being and your own existence.
How many people in this world do you think die after a tiring life of sitting behind a desk, doing the same thing over and over again? Or how many people in this world have died after spending years doing essays for professors who barely read them? How many people have been born in Toronto and have died in Toronto without laying their eyes on anywhere else besides Toronto? My goal here isn’t to depress you although it may seem so. My goal here is to revisit the ever so overused cliché of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” And do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being active in school, getting good grades, finding a job, and taking responsibility for your friends. However one must remember that at the end of the day the life we live is only ours and it is ultimately our decision about how we will spend it. So personally I will continue doing all the things I do in life such as school, extracurricular activities, NTP, etc, however there is a new center to my world and that center is ME. Find out what it means to exist in this world and then find happiness in your existence. I promise you that this is not one of those random confusing lines that your professors use in class. Look deeper into that and you will feel something. Someone once told me that “in this world, no one else is going to care about my happiness like I do.” Truth at its finest. Whether you want to believe that or not is your choice, but I guarantee that at one point during your life you will realize that no one else will care for you to the extent that you can care for yourself. Love yourself, appreciate yourself and be responsible for yourself.
After all, moments before you die, when your life flashes before your eyes, if you’re not happy with what you see... the responsibility was yours.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Although at first glance this blog may appear to be optimistic, outlining rules of happiness and so forth, however it is actually my last attempt to find some shimmer of hope in this life. I write these rules to convince myself that happiness can be achieved. Do I believe that? I can't exactly say I do. Do I attempt to follow my rules? I definately do. Do they work? Not all the time. I constantly tell myself that I DO NOT CARE. I even attempt to convince myself that I don't. What is that quote that is ever so cliche yet so irritatingly true? Don't bottle up your emotions or you'll explode. It's indescribable to explain what that actually physically feels like. Need two more dancers for NTP's gig. I DO NOT CARE. Another fight with the parents. I DO NOT CARE. The people I need the most right now are no where to be seen. I DO NOT CARE. My health is getting worse. I DO NOT CARE. Have to finish this essay. I DO NOT CARE. I bend over backwards for people's happiness, only to bend low enough so they can take the opportunity to kick me in the face. I DO NOT...*EXPLODE*....joy. Mind goes blank. I remember I was supposed to be doing some calulations for NTP. I am holding my calculater and a pen. What was I doing? For 10 minutes I just stare. I'm not speechless or motionless because I'm thinking about one particular thing. No, no. I am frozen because my mind can't figure out what to think about first. Everything is a blur. I want to fall and die but my mind can't comprehend the command so I just stare. These are the moments. These are the moments in which the dark overpowers the light, when the glass is definately half empty and not half full and when your pathetic excuse of a life is more evident than your ever so successful self-established business...the only thing you hold on to.
Why can't we geninely not care? All my rules make sense. Why can't I follow them? Two people have noticed my depression and said to me "lilly, you're looking at a 4x6 photo right now. Look at the bigger picture." Funny yet pathetic thing is that I've tried. Instead of looking at the 4x6 picture of my life right now, I compiled several 4x6 pictures outlining my extire existence so far. Every damn picture looks the same to me. I'm sad in every one of them. I've been deceived in every one of them. I'm the loser in every one of them. I'm not the smartest person out there but even I can recognize patterns. Then I realize that this is my own biased view of my life. These are the 4x6 pictures that I use to define my life. They are taken my by own psychological camera. The problem is that I don't really care about what people think my 4x6s should look like. They can easily look at me and say "wow she leads such an ideal life" but I don't have their eyes or their brain so their uneducated view of my life means absolutely nothing to me. The inspiring thing to say here would be "it is up to me to change my own biased view regarding my life and focus on the positives." I am not going to say that because I can't seem to do it! Which leads me to my next "rule of happiness."
Rule of Happiness # 4: Whoever said knowledge is power is a dumbass. We all know things. We all have knowledge and yet most of us have ZERO power. That's because knowledge is not power, it's actually a tease to remind you that no matter how much you know, if you can't apply your knowledge it is useless. The person who can train themselvse to not only think logically but feel logically will be the happiest person in the world.
No one is forcing us to sit here, to cry, to be heartbroken, to run away, to kill ourselves, to do whatever the hell it is you do when your broken but we do it anyways. We all know that we should look at the bigger picture. We all know that throughout our lives there have been happy times. So what the hell's the problem? The problem is we know this information but are too dragged down by our emotions to productively use this knowledge. We get our hearts broken and then think "I know this won't hurt forever, I know I will make it through this and I know years from now this won't matter as much as it does now." Then right after that thought we say "screw it, I hate my life." We cry. We hurt. We die a little bit.
Thus the rule I've offered here...is next to impossible. If you can follow this rule and use this rule to actually APPLY all of my other rules then you should be well on your way towards walking the path of happiness. If and when you get there, take my picture to remember me, because trust me I'll never make it.
"Knowledge is power. Fact: In the time you just took to read this post, several kids around the world died. You have this knowledge now. Do you have the power to change it?"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Many believe that the key to happiness may lie in material goods or doing good things or whatever else it is that they may convince themselves of. Although my goal here is to show you the way to happiness through my own pathetic lack of it, I feel it is my duty to show you both sides of the story. We could be all wrong and in fact I strongly believe we are in fact all incredibly delusional. The key to happiness is not doing right, giving to the poor, achieving goals or whatever else. In the real world happiness is the ability to commit as many sins as needed and still being able to sleep at night. Human consciousness negotiates our beliefs of right and wrong. However human consciousness is not a general, universal concept that is similiar across the board. Human consciousness is unique to you and only you. Thus someone may be able to break someone's heart, lie, cheat, steal and deceive a friend all in one day but as long as they are able to justify it to themselves, there is no problem. In fact this person is 7 steps ahead of the rest of us aren't they? Not only do they get everything they want but they can screw over as many people as they want, walk over as many hearts as they want, lie to as many people as they want and at the end of the night, smile at themselves in the mirror and fall fast asleep. After all, there is no big book of wrongs and rights is there? At the end of the day, if a person thinks nothing is wrong with the actions they carry out then they have no issue. This is why I say perhaps the true route to happiness is doing whatever makes you happy, without giving a damn about anyone else's feelings or happines and then convincing yourself it's for the better. It's an essential survival mechanism that most of us lack but I guarantee you that the jerks, cheaters and assholes who screw us over daily have this ability.
Before I used to think that these people who walk all over everyone else are pathetic and can never be happy. Alot of people think like that don't they? You know what I think? I think we, the people who point at these jerks, are the unhappy ones who will never have the guts to step on someone else to get what we want. And in the end, when these people screw us over enough times we will wish every waking second that we were assholes too.
If I ever become one of those people who are pointed at and labelled a liar, cheater or jerk I pray to god someone will remember that once upon a time Lilly was a good person. I am a good person, I know I am. But I'm 21 and life isn't moving any slower. In fact years of regret and sorrow are passing me by. If being who I am isn't getting me anywhere yet, maybe it's time to make some changes.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Rule of Happiness #3: Know where to draw the line. It is possible to be a good and caring person without giving up your own happiness. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone else's, nor should you request this sacrifice of someone else.
Why do we hesitate to graffiti on a newly painted wall? Why is it so much harder jumping on a made bed as opposed to one that is already messy? Why is it that we hesitate to step on freshly fallen snow? We don't step on fresh snow because it doesn't have any footprints on it. However if we see a patch of snow covered with footprints we are more likely to step on it. The same concept applies to people. If people see footprints all over you they may be more willing to try taking a step. Overtime a person covered with footprints becomes a doormat. However if you do not allow yourself to be stepped on in the first place you've stopped a stampede of people that may have been heading your way.
Rule #2 maintains that selfish acts will not take you to a heavenly state of mind. This rule needs to be applied with caution. There will be certain situations in life in which you need to be selfish. Making a decision that protects someone else but so badly hurts you will obstruct your heavenly state of mind because at the end of the day we are only human. In a situation that is critical to your happiness, it is okay to be selfish. If you decide to be selfless and torture yourself for the sake of someone else's happiness, in essence you've allowed for a footprint to be imprinted on you. Next time around, with the weight of one footprint on you already, you will be more willing to let someone else step on your happiness. Also, chances are that when a self-less decision is made, the favour will not be returned. What is my proof of this? I have no proof but I do have a theory. If someone is able to make happiness out of your sacrifice, they are stepping on your chance to be happy. If and when the roles are reversed why would the same person allow you to step on their happiness? By that time, they would have become to used to imprinting footprints on you while they themselves have not a single mark. What makes you think that clean slate will so willingly take a hit?
Again it is important to note that this applies to situations that are of importance to you. It is also important to note that you yourself should not allow anyone to sacrifice their happiness for you because then you have become the walker. The walker seldom achieves a heavenly state of mind. Therefore it is crucial to know where to draw the line and apply Rule #3. Being selfish when a decision is very important to you does not make you any less of a good person. And if you have not been applying Rule #3 you need not be discouraged. After all, a patch of snow covered with footprints can always be shovelled.
Do not be a walker. Do not be the walked on. Be happy.