Monday, April 12, 2010

Rule # 4

Initially I created this blog to document the transition from a normal "healthy" person into a negative, depressed, bitter individual. We all know there are happy, cheery, a.k.a. annoying people and then there are negative, cold a.k.a. also annoying people. However how does one become the other? I feel no one really knows. My guess is that life happens. I can feel myself becoming the latter and years from now when I look in the mirror and ask myself why I am the way I am I can read this blog and remember.

Although at first glance this blog may appear to be optimistic, outlining rules of happiness and so forth, however it is actually my last attempt to find some shimmer of hope in this life. I write these rules to convince myself that happiness can be achieved. Do I believe that? I can't exactly say I do. Do I attempt to follow my rules? I definately do. Do they work? Not all the time. I constantly tell myself that I DO NOT CARE. I even attempt to convince myself that I don't. What is that quote that is ever so cliche yet so irritatingly true? Don't bottle up your emotions or you'll explode. It's indescribable to explain what that actually physically feels like. Need two more dancers for NTP's gig. I DO NOT CARE. Another fight with the parents. I DO NOT CARE. The people I need the most right now are no where to be seen. I DO NOT CARE. My health is getting worse. I DO NOT CARE. Have to finish this essay. I DO NOT CARE. I bend over backwards for people's happiness, only to bend low enough so they can take the opportunity to kick me in the face. I DO NOT...*EXPLODE* Mind goes blank. I remember I was supposed to be doing some calulations for NTP. I am holding my calculater and a pen. What was I doing? For 10 minutes I just stare. I'm not speechless or motionless because I'm thinking about one particular thing. No, no. I am frozen because my mind can't figure out what to think about first. Everything is a blur. I want to fall and die but my mind can't comprehend the command so I just stare. These are the moments. These are the moments in which the dark overpowers the light, when the glass is definately half empty and not half full and when your pathetic excuse of a life is more evident than your ever so successful self-established business...the only thing you hold on to.

Why can't we geninely not care? All my rules make sense. Why can't I follow them? Two people have noticed my depression and said to me "lilly, you're looking at a 4x6 photo right now. Look at the bigger picture." Funny yet pathetic thing is that I've tried. Instead of looking at the 4x6 picture of my life right now, I compiled several 4x6 pictures outlining my extire existence so far. Every damn picture looks the same to me. I'm sad in every one of them. I've been deceived in every one of them. I'm the loser in every one of them. I'm not the smartest person out there but even I can recognize patterns. Then I realize that this is my own biased view of my life. These are the 4x6 pictures that I use to define my life. They are taken my by own psychological camera. The problem is that I don't really care about what people think my 4x6s should look like. They can easily look at me and say "wow she leads such an ideal life" but I don't have their eyes or their brain so their uneducated view of my life means absolutely nothing to me. The inspiring thing to say here would be "it is up to me to change my own biased view regarding my life and focus on the positives." I am not going to say that because I can't seem to do it! Which leads me to my next "rule of happiness."

Rule of Happiness # 4: Whoever said knowledge is power is a dumbass. We all know things. We all have knowledge and yet most of us have ZERO power. That's because knowledge is not power, it's actually a tease to remind you that no matter how much you know, if you can't apply your knowledge it is useless. The person who can train themselvse to not only think logically but feel logically will be the happiest person in the world.

No one is forcing us to sit here, to cry, to be heartbroken, to run away, to kill ourselves, to do whatever the hell it is you do when your broken but we do it anyways. We all know that we should look at the bigger picture. We all know that throughout our lives there have been happy times. So what the hell's the problem? The problem is we know this information but are too dragged down by our emotions to productively use this knowledge. We get our hearts broken and then think "I know this won't hurt forever, I know I will make it through this and I know years from now this won't matter as much as it does now." Then right after that thought we say "screw it, I hate my life." We cry. We hurt. We die a little bit.

Thus the rule I've offered next to impossible. If you can follow this rule and use this rule to actually APPLY all of my other rules then you should be well on your way towards walking the path of happiness. If and when you get there, take my picture to remember me, because trust me I'll never make it.

"Knowledge is power. Fact: In the time you just took to read this post, several kids around the world died. You have this knowledge now. Do you have the power to change it?"