Monday, April 12, 2010

Rule # 4

Initially I created this blog to document the transition from a normal "healthy" person into a negative, depressed, bitter individual. We all know there are happy, cheery, a.k.a. annoying people and then there are negative, cold a.k.a. also annoying people. However how does one become the other? I feel no one really knows. My guess is that life happens. I can feel myself becoming the latter and years from now when I look in the mirror and ask myself why I am the way I am I can read this blog and remember.


Although at first glance this blog may appear to be optimistic, outlining rules of happiness and so forth, however it is actually my last attempt to find some shimmer of hope in this life. I write these rules to convince myself that happiness can be achieved. Do I believe that? I can't exactly say I do. Do I attempt to follow my rules? I definately do. Do they work? Not all the time. I constantly tell myself that I DO NOT CARE. I even attempt to convince myself that I don't. What is that quote that is ever so cliche yet so irritatingly true? Don't bottle up your emotions or you'll explode. It's indescribable to explain what that actually physically feels like. Need two more dancers for NTP's gig. I DO NOT CARE. Another fight with the parents. I DO NOT CARE. The people I need the most right now are no where to be seen. I DO NOT CARE. My health is getting worse. I DO NOT CARE. Have to finish this essay. I DO NOT CARE. I bend over backwards for people's happiness, only to bend low enough so they can take the opportunity to kick me in the face. I DO NOT...*EXPLODE*....joy. Mind goes blank. I remember I was supposed to be doing some calulations for NTP. I am holding my calculater and a pen. What was I doing? For 10 minutes I just stare. I'm not speechless or motionless because I'm thinking about one particular thing. No, no. I am frozen because my mind can't figure out what to think about first. Everything is a blur. I want to fall and die but my mind can't comprehend the command so I just stare. These are the moments. These are the moments in which the dark overpowers the light, when the glass is definately half empty and not half full and when your pathetic excuse of a life is more evident than your ever so successful self-established business...the only thing you hold on to.

Why can't we geninely not care? All my rules make sense. Why can't I follow them? Two people have noticed my depression and said to me "lilly, you're looking at a 4x6 photo right now. Look at the bigger picture." Funny yet pathetic thing is that I've tried. Instead of looking at the 4x6 picture of my life right now, I compiled several 4x6 pictures outlining my extire existence so far. Every damn picture looks the same to me. I'm sad in every one of them. I've been deceived in every one of them. I'm the loser in every one of them. I'm not the smartest person out there but even I can recognize patterns. Then I realize that this is my own biased view of my life. These are the 4x6 pictures that I use to define my life. They are taken my by own psychological camera. The problem is that I don't really care about what people think my 4x6s should look like. They can easily look at me and say "wow she leads such an ideal life" but I don't have their eyes or their brain so their uneducated view of my life means absolutely nothing to me. The inspiring thing to say here would be "it is up to me to change my own biased view regarding my life and focus on the positives." I am not going to say that because I can't seem to do it! Which leads me to my next "rule of happiness."

Rule of Happiness # 4: Whoever said knowledge is power is a dumbass. We all know things. We all have knowledge and yet most of us have ZERO power. That's because knowledge is not power, it's actually a tease to remind you that no matter how much you know, if you can't apply your knowledge it is useless. The person who can train themselvse to not only think logically but feel logically will be the happiest person in the world.

No one is forcing us to sit here, to cry, to be heartbroken, to run away, to kill ourselves, to do whatever the hell it is you do when your broken but we do it anyways. We all know that we should look at the bigger picture. We all know that throughout our lives there have been happy times. So what the hell's the problem? The problem is we know this information but are too dragged down by our emotions to productively use this knowledge. We get our hearts broken and then think "I know this won't hurt forever, I know I will make it through this and I know years from now this won't matter as much as it does now." Then right after that thought we say "screw it, I hate my life." We cry. We hurt. We die a little bit.

Thus the rule I've offered here...is next to impossible. If you can follow this rule and use this rule to actually APPLY all of my other rules then you should be well on your way towards walking the path of happiness. If and when you get there, take my picture to remember me, because trust me I'll never make it.

"Knowledge is power. Fact: In the time you just took to read this post, several kids around the world died. You have this knowledge now. Do you have the power to change it?"

8 comments:

  1. I fell upon this blog by chance and found it a very interesting read. You have a very powerful insight and it compelled me to comment.
    I can see that whatever you have gone through has impacted you a lot. It has twisted your thoughts and beliefs that you’ve once held dear. But you are writing this from an emotional state of mind and it has clouded your judgment. It is human nature to categorize and segregate persons or ideas so it is easier to differentiate between them. However, your system of categorizing people as either happy/cheery from negative/cold is not an accurate description. People display a wide variety of emotions. And it is not unheard of to hear about a person who was happy one second that becomes sad or negative the next. Truth is, it is folly to view people as being either cheery or cold, because we all display these emotions from time to time based on the events and actions that we experience.
    It is evident that whatever you have gone through in your lifetime has scarred you at an emotional level. This blog cries out to me because I see a person who is desperate for a way out of their current state of living. A person who is caged by their emotions simply looking for a key that will set them free from their suffering. But know that you are the key holder, and know that you are not alone. I want to share a story with you that someone once told me when I was really upset.
    There was once a woman named Sahara who suffered the death of her only child. Unable to accept it, she went from person to person looking for medicine to restore her child back to life. One household told her of a wise old man that lived near the edge of the village would have such medicine.
    Sahara went to the wise old man and asked “Can you make medicine for my child that would restore his life?”
    “I know of such medicine,” the wise man replied, “but I require some ingredients that you must fetch for me.”
    Relieved, the woman asked him what ingredients he needed. “I require grains of rice from a household where no parent, child, spouse or servant has died” he replied.
    The woman agreed and began going from house to house looking for the grains of rice. At each house the people agreed to give her the grains but when she asked them if anyone had died in the household, she could find no home where death had not visited--- in one house a daughter, in another a servant, in others husbands or parents. Sahara could not find a home that was free from the suffering of death. Seeing that she was not alone in grief, the mother let go of her child’s lifeless body and returned to the wise old man. The wise old man gave her a hug and said with great compassion that, “you thought you were alone had lost a son; the law of death is among all living creatures, there is no permanence. All living creatures big or small experience suffering.”

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  2. We all experience suffering, it is apart of life. And to realize that you are not the only one can do wonders. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others, it is a consequence of living. But we learn to minimize the actions that cause others pain and learn to put ourselves in situations where we minimize the pain that is done to us.
    You have admitted that you are unhappy. And you say that being happy means “doing whatever makes you happy.” But your teachings on happiness are very outward orientated; "getting" what you want, "doing" things that make you feel good. The key to being happy is not getting what you want, but appreciating what you already have. If you always look outside the window searching for things to make you happy, you’ll become oblivious to things you already have inside or around you that have the capability to do so. Your three rules of happiness are teachings that have value. But the fourth one I do not agree with.
    I believe you have confused the saying “knowledge is power” with “knowledge is control”. Knowledge does not gain you control of other peoples actions, nor does it control the events that take place in your life or those around you. However knowledge does has the power to create change or influence and history has shown this. If Dr. Martin Luther King never studied theology and did not realize the wrong doings that his people faced, there may have never been a civil rights movement to introduce equality among minorities. If Dr. Salk had never studied medicine, he may have never discovered a vaccine for polio. His knowledge made a difference, by saving thousands of lives that died from this disease. Knowledge is power, but it is up to the individual whether to use this power to create change.
    You should not become a victim of the events that take place in your life. Rather use the knowledge gained from your experience to put yourself in a better position to deal with them in the future. Do not lose yourself, you are a good person. You are not alone and do not give up on yourself.

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  3. We can never be always happy. There are going to be depressing moments, ones that may even scar you for life. But, no matter what happens, you can always count on someone else, to lend you a shoulder, hand or simply an ear. Trust me, it really helps. Even though you might think nobody is ready to do this, you have try. Find your real friends. Share with them. Your jokes, your troubles, everything. Two (maybe more) heads are better than one. Everybody is diffrent. Diffrent situations affect diffrent people. You know how in almost every movie (horror movies dont count) , the main character is so close to losing every thing they believe in? Well, usually towards the end, they end up feeling on top of the world. Life is nothing but a movie. If you dont want to ever give up, if you just want to suvive, all the pain you have suffered....feels like nothing at all, like a nightmare long forgotten, later on. Never give up.
    P.s I knw wt i said is crap, but i figured i mite as well try.

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  4. Seeing your old blogs and then seeing where you are now in 2014 makes me feel so proud of you. And also it makes me believe that good always comes back to good people no matter what ugliness they go through...I do not know if you ever will read your old posts again but if you do in times of any issues you are facing..u would never have to look anywhere else for courage...you are very inspirational to millions of women like me...please stay the way you are and do not change for anyone. my best wishes are with you..

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  5. That is so true 'TV'.. I totally agree. I wonder if she still goes back to this blog :)

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  7. Seeing you thrive and watching you work so hard through your vlogs to achieve greatness in 2015 makes me so happy. You MOVED OUT! You have such amazing friends and make extraordinary content (and learnt how to cook rice) haha. I know that there may still be days that it gets hard for you but nevertheless I am EXTREMELY proud of you. I just found this blog today but have been watching your youtube videos for years now. You are my inspiration and a living reminder to always be a good person and to do good in the world. My dream is to meet you and tell you that in person. I love you. #GirlLove xox Gabi
    ("If and when you get there, take my picture to remember me, because trust me I'll never make it." You made it!)

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  8. Seeing you thrive and watching you work so hard through your vlogs to achieve greatness in 2015 makes me so happy. You MOVED OUT! You have such amazing friends and make extraordinary content (and learnt how to cook rice) haha. I know that there may still be days that it gets hard for you but nevertheless I am EXTREMELY proud of you. I just found this blog today but have been watching your youtube videos for years now. You are my inspiration and a living reminder to always be a good person and to do good in the world. My dream is to meet you and tell you that in person. I love you. #GirlLove xox Gabi
    ("If and when you get there, take my picture to remember me, because trust me I'll never make it." You made it!)

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